BOOK: HEATHER HAS TWO MOMMIES

No dad, this is not a book about lesbians, with lots of naked pictures of sexy young nymphs with a child, full of free steamy shower scenes, and girl on girl orgies.

This is a book that will bring hits for me from middle aged sickos searching Google for those things though. Imagine their disappointment when they get here with oil in hand, a half used roll of toilet tissue on the desk, and a locked door at the top of the basement stairs so their mother doesn't walk in on them. And that is fun.

This book may be about a father who has remarried and a little girl, Heather, who is having a hard time accepting discipline from her wicked step mother, who truly is a witch, and I mean the practicing kind, with frogs and chickens and elephant dung. The father has to try and convince the little girl that having two mommies with PMS and second amendment rights is a good thing. And he has to do this fast to prevent mother #1 from moving with the child to Jersey, and to prevent mother #2 from committing murder followed by suicide.

I say it "may be" about these things because I haven't bothered to read it. The kids are with their mother this weekend, and it doesn't have any pop ups so what good is it?

Now about those hot lesbians covered with chocolate sauce, naked girls kissing girls, and teen babes licking Ellen DeGeneres. That last one will bring me a ton of traffic, no? Maybe for a couple seconds, anyway?

Just think how much tissue you saved reading this. Is that your mom at the door ...

BOOK: MY FOOT IN YOUR ASS

Some times a wacky book of ass whoopin's
will help calm a child so we can all get some sleep. On those nights when your little loved one refuses to lay down, this eye opening book will give him a reason to close those same eyes.

To teach lessons on proper behavior the Cat in The Hat gets a lunch time ass whoopin for throwing food. The Beagle Beaked Bald Headed Grinch gets knocked around for spoiling Christmas. The Father of the Father of Nadd puts Sue down for a ten count, and Smiling Sam, the crocodile sneaks out of the closet and eats Ted after the lights have been turned out, because he kept making noises in bed.

This book is not recommended for school age children , as their tales of terror to their teacher may produce a visit from child welfare.

HARD HEADED BARBEE

Barbee is having trouble felling cool these days. Well except for her head. This precious little Barbee smoked cigarettes for 30 years and is now undergoing chemo to try to kill the cancer.

But cancer is not her only problem. She has terrible tooth stains, missing teeth, gum disease, and bad breath. This former beauty queen is a widow who was married to a smoker , and because he smoked he had low quality sperm, so this poor little doll has no children to care for her during this illness. She did have one baby, but it is in a 'special' home.

Buy Hard Headed Barbee to teach your children the dangers of smoking including birth defects, mental retardation, miscarriages, and low birth weight babies.

Baby not included (he is in the "home" remember?) Cigarettes and oxygen machine sold separately.

BOWLING BARBEE

After a long day on her feet at WalMart Barbee doesn't know whether to kill herself or go bowling. She settles on the latter and continues polishing her skills and hoping for a place on the Pro Bowlers circuit.

She is decked out in her rented non matching shoes, her "Attack of the Pinheads" team shirt, plus a mini-skirt so she won't have to buy her own drinks.

Your young one should be careful not to serve Bowling Barbee too many drinks though. She has been known to roll up into a ball and throw herself down the lane after several hours of playing and boozing. Booze not included.

BARB THE BOSS

Sometimes little girls grow up with too many man hormones in their body. When they become women they are confused about their proper place in society, and they try to act like the opposite sex.

These women are generally lesbians and they think of themselves as equal to men. We know however that God made men to have authority over woman, and this includes uppity college graduated ladies.

This doll can be a real learning experience for children as she takes control and runs a fortune 500 company into the ground. Even the government won't bail her out because she is so corrupt and incompetent, and she won't sleep with any congressmen.

This doll includes furniture soon to be sold at auction, a leased Cessna jet, and 300 pair of shoes.