BOOK: HEATHER HAS TWO MOMMIES

No dad, this is not a book about lesbians, with lots of naked pictures of sexy young nymphs with a child, full of free steamy shower scenes, and girl on girl orgies.

This is a book that will bring hits for me from middle aged sickos searching Google for those things though. Imagine their disappointment when they get here with oil in hand, a half used roll of toilet tissue on the desk, and a locked door at the top of the basement stairs so their mother doesn't walk in on them. And that is fun.

This book may be about a father who has remarried and a little girl, Heather, who is having a hard time accepting discipline from her wicked step mother, who truly is a witch, and I mean the practicing kind, with frogs and chickens and elephant dung. The father has to try and convince the little girl that having two mommies with PMS and second amendment rights is a good thing. And he has to do this fast to prevent mother #1 from moving with the child to Jersey, and to prevent mother #2 from committing murder followed by suicide.

I say it "may be" about these things because I haven't bothered to read it. The kids are with their mother this weekend, and it doesn't have any pop ups so what good is it?

Now about those hot lesbians covered with chocolate sauce, naked girls kissing girls, and teen babes licking Ellen DeGeneres. That last one will bring me a ton of traffic, no? Maybe for a couple seconds, anyway?

Just think how much tissue you saved reading this. Is that your mom at the door ...

BOOK: MY FOOT IN YOUR ASS

Some times a wacky book of ass whoopin's
will help calm a child so we can all get some sleep. On those nights when your little loved one refuses to lay down, this eye opening book will give him a reason to close those same eyes.

To teach lessons on proper behavior the Cat in The Hat gets a lunch time ass whoopin for throwing food. The Beagle Beaked Bald Headed Grinch gets knocked around for spoiling Christmas. The Father of the Father of Nadd puts Sue down for a ten count, and Smiling Sam, the crocodile sneaks out of the closet and eats Ted after the lights have been turned out, because he kept making noises in bed.

This book is not recommended for school age children , as their tales of terror to their teacher may produce a visit from child welfare.

HARD HEADED BARBEE

Barbee is having trouble felling cool these days. Well except for her head. This precious little Barbee smoked cigarettes for 30 years and is now undergoing chemo to try to kill the cancer.

But cancer is not her only problem. She has terrible tooth stains, missing teeth, gum disease, and bad breath. This former beauty queen is a widow who was married to a smoker , and because he smoked he had low quality sperm, so this poor little doll has no children to care for her during this illness. She did have one baby, but it is in a 'special' home.

Buy Hard Headed Barbee to teach your children the dangers of smoking including birth defects, mental retardation, miscarriages, and low birth weight babies.

Baby not included (he is in the "home" remember?) Cigarettes and oxygen machine sold separately.

BOWLING BARBEE

After a long day on her feet at WalMart Barbee doesn't know whether to kill herself or go bowling. She settles on the latter and continues polishing her skills and hoping for a place on the Pro Bowlers circuit.

She is decked out in her rented non matching shoes, her "Attack of the Pinheads" team shirt, plus a mini-skirt so she won't have to buy her own drinks.

Your young one should be careful not to serve Bowling Barbee too many drinks though. She has been known to roll up into a ball and throw herself down the lane after several hours of playing and boozing. Booze not included.

BARB THE BOSS

Sometimes little girls grow up with too many man hormones in their body. When they become women they are confused about their proper place in society, and they try to act like the opposite sex.

These women are generally lesbians and they think of themselves as equal to men. We know however that God made men to have authority over woman, and this includes uppity college graduated ladies.

This doll can be a real learning experience for children as she takes control and runs a fortune 500 company into the ground. Even the government won't bail her out because she is so corrupt and incompetent, and she won't sleep with any congressmen.

This doll includes furniture soon to be sold at auction, a leased Cessna jet, and 300 pair of shoes.

BOOK: DADDY DRINKS BECAUSE YOU CRY

This book provides a balanced picture of a hard working middle class dad, and his snot nosed little yard apes who think the world owes them a new x-box.

There are better things in life than alcohol, but at least alcohol makes up for not having them. As this story unfolds we find the children saddened because they didn't get the Christmas presents they wanted. The book points out to the kid's that life is seldom fair and their mere existence is infringing on their father's desire to live a richer life.

For example this proud dad could be drinking fine brandy instead of cheap beer, and smoking cigars instead of discount cigarettes, if he didn't have to spend his hard earned money on shoes and clothing for these ungrateful little shits.

It alerts the children that DNA testing was never done upon their arrival and they might not even be his. They should be grateful to live in a house in the city instead of on a farm in Hootersville where they would be up at 4 milking the cows like this poor father did.

With the economy in shambles, this book arrives at the perfect moment in history to teach kids their proper place in the pecking order. Order your copy today, before your credit cards are canceled.

ANOREXIC BARBEE

If you are a doll collector and want to treasure your babies for years to come, this toy might not be the one for you. As time pases you will see less and less of poor little anorexic Barbee.

G.I. Joe certainly won't want to date her as she refuses to swallow. But if your child tends to enjoy war games this is an excellent accompaniment to GI Joe. Anorexic Barbee can be a military spy seeing as when she turns sideways no one can see her.

If your little one likes to think of herself as a medical professional she can hook feeding tubes up to this model, or treat her in the mental ward with kind words, positive thoughts, and questions about her relationship with her mother.

String bikini included, although she prefers to skinny dip.

Kev is still the life of the party

Barbee had it all. A house, a car, a hot sister. Well she still has a hot sister. Remember kids ...

ALABAMA BARBEE

This little redneck girl just broke down on the outskirts of Hicksville.

Thinking as fast as a hillbilly can, she pushed her pickup off on the side of the old dirt road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the truck and one behind it. Then she got back in the cab to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked Alabama Barbee what the problem was. Our cutie replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" This Southern doll responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back!"

As cute as a sows tail, this playmate will keep your little boy or girl occupied for hours on end. Rebel flag, hoopty, and six pack included. Flowers extra.

BOOK: WHY IS MOMMY MOANING

This is an excellent book for dad to read to the little tike's as he tucks them in.

The Berenstain Bears teach your child a valuable lesson about mothers and why they always complain.

In this quick little bed time story we find mother moaning about how dad never shows his feminine side.

Dad storms out of the house yelling "I'll show you right now." Returning 30 minutes later he is confronted by his wife crying "Where have you been?" "Parking the car" he replies.

It is unfortunate but some mothers are a little bit prejudiced. That issue is also touched on in this book when daddie's wife moans "We are the only white couple living on our street." Daddy has to tell her to "Shut the fuck up. It was your idea to move to Nairobi in the first place."

Very educational, and your children will be crying for you to stop reading it. This will allow you to spend more time drinking and watching porn. Highly recommended.

BARBEE DOYLE

This Doyle is a realistic San Francisco cross dresser decked out in a fine ball gown, reportedly designed by Jason Wu, the talented artist who fashioned Michelle Obama's inaugural dress.

With a head to toe make over by Adam to Eve Transformations, Doyle sports professional makeup, expert wig styling, and a life-like faux fur made of the finest acrylic fibers China has to offer.

Doyle aka Doylenna, is on his way to a glamorous photo shoot, and then a Friday night outing to The Castro, known as San Francisco's Gay Village from Top to Bottom.

EARTH DAY BARBEE

Barbee is as concerned with global warming as the next doll and here we see her walking to the grocery store to buy organic vegetables. She carries a reusable and recyclable shopping bag, made from trees that died a natural death.

This doll is environmentally friendly and is made from soybean and pumpkin plants so she can be donated to third world countries as food when your child no longer plays with her. Her jogging suit is homemade from discarded burlap bags and her jacket is formed from old protest signs died pink using rose and lavender juices.

Keeping with the recycle theme, Barbee's shirt sports the logo 'Save a Virgin - Do Me.' This doll cannot be bought with cash and can only be obtained using carbon offset credits. Al Gore would be proud.

TEXAS BARBEE

Some people say, only two things come out of Texas - steers and queers. Well Texas Barbee just loves spending time with her gay boo, Kenneth. When they ain't eating beef they're talking about it. And if they ain't talking about it they're taking it. And if they ain't doing that then they're shopping. Probably shopping for something pink with high heels.

This fire brand comes with her own herd of cattle, a 4-wheel drive pick-up truck that has a bumper sticker saying 'Cowgirls do it Rodeo Style,' and Kenneth.

With her daddies oil money she bought her very own MacDs and put BBQ MacBeef Nuggets and Steaming Hot Cow Pies on the menu. Its probably the only MacDs in America with sawdust on the dance floor. Real cowboy not included.

WHITE TRASH BARBEE

White Trash Barbee got herself a brand new tramp stamp across her back for Christmas this year. How did we ever tell the good girls from the skanks before tattoos? But in all fairness this is a classy tat consisting of a thorny rose vine with travel trailers where the rose buds would normally be. Her pappy did it himself while her momma took Barbee's 5 kids to see their daddies.

Here Barbee poses holding a B.O.B. cleverly disguised as a Breakfast Beer and is wearing her Sunday go to church best outfit even though she has never been to a church, (except that one time when she had sex in the parking lot).

When her public assistance check comes next month she plans on investing in her own pharmaceutical business if she has any money left after the abortion. But only 3 more and the next one is free. If everything works out with this "investment" her dream of moving from the projects to her very own trailer may soon come true.